|Applegate Insulation's Board of Directors has announced that they hope to be able to pass their National Energy Care Legislation (commonly known as NECL and pronounced 'nickel') by next Tuesday. After months of promises and delays, Nanny Peelousy, Chairmetasexual of the Board, said that the 22,439 page document was not only too long to print but that most Americans wouldn't be able to understand it anyway so, "Why print it and waste another few hundred trees?". Condescendingly, she did however offer to explain the main points of the bill to any Directors who visited her office where the only copy of the bill was kept under lock and key.
According to the story told by Ethics Committee Chairman, Frankly Blarney, this Applegate initiative will finally and forever keep any American from ever having to pay for their heating or cooling bills again. He emphasized the fact that with Global Warming effecting the southern half of the country and Global Cooling effecting the northern states and, a lot of hot air erupting from both the east and west coasts, it was imperative that this program be effectuated as soon as possible. "Ethically, it is only right that everyone should have free energy", he said. "It is patently unfair that some should be able to afford to keep their homes at 72 degrees in the winter, while others can only afford 66 degrees. With this program we will finally have home heating equity and every home will be maintained at a temperature of 60 degrees by corporate edict", according to Ms/Mr Blarney. He explained that 60 degrees was the warmest equity that could be obtained, as approximately 42% of the new taxes to run the program would be used up in administration and enforcement, leaving only 58% to pay for actual energy.
Of course, some of the opposing Directors, commonly known as 'chartreuse cats', continue to pummel the program insisting that such a scheme cannot legally be funded within the framework of the by-laws of the company. But, old-fashioned thinking that predominates with this group is going out of style. Not many still agree that the productive and sacrificing portion of the population should be allowed to keep what they worked hard for. And, hardly anyone holds to the anarchic notion that the lazy, profligate or dissipative should suffer the consequences of their choices. And, with seemingly millions almost begging to be slaves, cared for, secure in the arms of their protector, not having to be responsible for themselves but looking to those in authority over them to coddle them, it seems that the American Independent Spirit has dissipated at last.
Hairy Cantread, spokesthing for the majority of the Directors countered the dissident Directors over the weekend, "I don't give a plugged nickel what these Neanderthals say. I've been ashamed to be an American while some of our nudist neighbours had to actually don clothes in their homes in the winter because it was so cold. This, too, must end! Equality for the wicked, Justice for none and Free Green Energy for all!"
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